#1 Conflict Resolution Tip

Conflict resolution is an important skill to have in any relationship but especially in poly and ethically non-monogamous relationships. In non-monogamous relationships, conflicts can arise for a variety of reasons, such as misunderstandings about boundaries or disagreements about how to handle certain situations. It is important to approach these conflicts with curiosity and an open mind in order to effectively resolve them. Talking to a poly affirming therapist can help you get to a place where you can learn conflict resolution skills and put them into action but in the meantime, here is my top secret Jedi mind trick therapy move to help you resolve any conflict. Ready?

Ask yourself “what did I miss?”

You may be asking yourself what you missed right now so let me break it down a bit. 

When we are in conflict, we often forget to be curious. This makes sense because when conflicts arise, we are often scared and defensive, which is the exact opposite state of being that we need to be in to resolve the conflict at hand. In order to resolve a conflict, we need to be able to access a calm, open state of mind in order to sort out what has occurred and how to reach resolution. Asking “what did I miss” can help shift your perspective from a defensive stance to one of open curiosity, allowing you to better understand the root of the conflict and find resolution.

For example, let's say you are in a poly relationship and you and your partner have agreed to be open and honest with each other about any potential romantic or sexual partners. One day, you find out that your partner has started seeing someone else without telling you. This news may cause you to feel hurt and betrayed, and you may be tempted to react defensively. But instead of immediately jumping to conclusions and accusing your partner of not respecting your boundaries, try asking yourself "what did I miss?" This question can help you approach the situation with curiosity and an open mind, allowing you to better understand your partner's perspective and why they may have made the decision to not tell you about the other person. Perhaps they were afraid of how you would react, or maybe they didn't think it was a big deal because it was only a casual relationship. By asking "what did I miss?", you are taking the first step to finding resolution and moving forward in a positive way.

The vast majority of conflicts that I have seen in my therapy sessions with individuals and couples hinge around miscommunication and misunderstandings. On rare occasions, someone has acted with bad intentions or is deceiving the other person on purpose, but for the most part, conflicts arise because one or both people have not communicated clearly or are missing a vital piece of information that would help them understand the situation. By asking “what did I miss,” you are setting yourself up to give your sparring partner the benefit of the doubt that they are acting with good intentions and that something might have accidentally gone awry. Instead of being adversaries, you are now detectives on a mission to figure out what happened.

Please be aware that even once you find what you missed, it won’t necessarily mean that the conflict will disappear entirely. You still have to deal with the information you discovered but it’s a whole lot easier to do that when you have a calm, curious frame instead of a defensive, activated one. If you would like to practice this technique and learn more about conflict resolution skills, reach out to us to schedule a free consultation with one of our poly affirming therapists.