Why is therapy making things "worse?"
After the first few sessions, I often have clients ask me why it seems like their lives have taken a nosedive. There’s more conflict in their relationships, they feel weepy and unmotivated, they may even come down with what seems to be a cold or flu bug when no one else around them is sick. So why is this so common and what should you do when you feel like therapy is making things worse?
Therapy requires us to take a look at a lot of stuff that we would much rather hide. This is vulnerable, uncomfortable territory so after the initial novelty and relief wear off, we find ourselves face to face with things we have likely spent the rest of our lives trying to avoid. It’s no surprise that people feel icky at this point in the process and want to quit. However, doing so means that you never get to the other side, which is where the positive aspects of therapy become so much more obvious. Here’s a few reasons why this happens and why you should stick around.
Change is inherently challenging - even when you WANT to change something (like say, your relationship habits or the way you talk to yourself in your head) it’s really hard to actually make significant shifts. We feel a lot safer when things stay the same, even if we are unhappy with the way they are, so we often naturally resist change as it makes us feel unstable. It is really empowering to make it to the other side of change and realize that even though it’s uncomfortable, you CAN do it.
People often don’t like it when you change - see previous, but the people around us also subconsciously feel more comfortable when things stay the same. We all have a lot of unspoken agreements about the way things work in our relationships so when you switch those up, the people around you are likely to take note and be thrown off guard. It can help to talk to people closest to you about what you are changing and why so you can navigate it together, but it’s not uncommon for some people to be on board and others to feel threatened.
Emotions get processed in your body so you’re essentially doing a huge feelings workout - even though we think that talk therapy only affects our minds, our emotions and feelings live in our body so they are getting processed and shifted around when we start going to therapy. This can temporarily knock people out much like a heavy work out because you are using your body and mind in new ways. Make sure to get lots of rest and schedule therapy sessions at times when you really can decompress before and after. It’s also ok to talk to your therapist about whether weekly or every other week sessions work best for how you process emotions.
Staying in therapy once the glow wears off is not always glamorous but the results are well worth it. Imagine how good it will feel once you get the hang of your newfound emotional skills and get to have the kinds of relationships and life you’ve wanted. Therapy is a chance to get to explore a new way of experiencing life which means that sometimes, things get messy and uncomfortable but ultimately lead you to a better place.