Limerence and ADHD

Remember the first crush you had as a teenager? That feeling like the fate of the world rested on whether someone liked you back or not? That obsessive rumination that took over all your thoughts and feelings and made you spend hours getting ready or planning the perfect moment to just bump into them? 

That is limerence, the uncontrollable desire for someone that is based on the fantasy of who they might be or how it might feel to be with them, and no one does limerence better than those of us with ADHD. For those of us with ADHD, limerence is essentially like hyperfixation but on the idea of a person or a relationship with them. Sadly, falling into limerence can be harmful to our relationships as it often means we are ignoring the reality of the person we are hyperfixated on and stops us from actually connecting with them. So why is limerence so common for ADHD people?

ADHD brains have trouble regulating dopamine and norepinephrine, which are the neurotransmitters that make us feel motivated, accomplished, and focused. Essentially, ADHD is kind of like a faucet that gets stuck on hot or cold. When we are hyperfixating, we are sparking a whole bunch of dopamine and norepinephrine, which is why it feels so good. When we are experiencing limerence, we are hyperfixating on the fantasy of a person or a relationship with them and flooding our brains with those delicious dopamine and norepinephrine molecules. Makes sense why ADHD brains love limerence, right?

As good as it can feel, limerence stops us from seeing our crushes as actual people who have nuanced personalities, distracts us from other things in our lives, and can lead to feelings of emptiness or low self worth if the fantasy doesn’t go as we desperately hope. Even if we do end up dating our limerent crush, we still might feel let down once we get to know them and wonder if we have fallen out of love when instead we have fallen out of the fantasy. Limerence can also lead people to neglect the other parts of their lives because they are deep in obsessive thought spirals and ruminations. 

Do you feel like you struggle with limerence? Do you want to improve your relationships and learn more about how ADHD might impact them?  Schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists today.