Why Scheduling Sex Is Actually Pretty Sexy

There’s a strong cultural narrative that sexual interactions are something that simply happens out of nowhere. We have seen countless scenes where characters in movies just mysteriously tumble into bed together like magic and at the start of relationships, that can definitely be how it happens, but as our connection progresses, usually we have to put a little more thought into being sexually intimate with our partners. Unfortunately, a lot of people feel shame about this as they unwittingly buy into the myth that sex must be spontaneous to be good, so people often end up feeling that they will ruin the moment if they plan time to be intimate.

Well, it turns out you can’t ruin a moment that isn’t happening in the first place. After the initial rush of neurochemicals of a relationship subsides, that’s when people’s actual desire styles emerge. Shout out to Emily Nagoski, the writer of the brilliant book Come As You Are, for explaining that there is a spectrum of desire with active on one end and passive on the other. Active desire means that out of nowhere you are like wow I would like a pizza and so you head out in search of a slice. Passive desire is when someone else says “hey do you want a slice of pizza” you are like “wow I wasn’t thinking about pizza but now I am and I would totally love some.” Most people are not totally polarized but having this framework helps us understand someone with more passive desire would need to have the pizza presented to them while someone with more active desire might have an easier time acquiring pizza out of the blue.

If you throw in the brain spice, you end up with a person who not only forgets they like pizza but often forgets that pizza even exists in the first place. Planning can be pretty hot because it gives a friendly reminder while alleviating the pressure of it having to happen “spontaneously.” It can help to build anticipatory excitement you and your partner which is an added bonus. At the very least, known that nothing is wrong with you if you don’t spontaneously end up being sexually intimate on a regular basis. If you would like to chat with one of our therapists to learn more about your own experience of desire and how to navigate scheduling intimacy with your partners, please get in touch for a free consultation.