Why Does My ADHD Partner Pick Silly Fights With Me?

We’ve all been there. 

You’re in the middle of a completely nonsensical argument and you’re staring at your partner trying to figure out what they are talking about. You have no idea why they are so upset and you also have no clue why you’re so upset. No one knows what’s happening but you’re both feeling a lot of big feelings and then, just as fast as the argument started, it’s over, never to be spoken of again. This scenario is quite common when one or both partners have ADHD brains.

So why do ADHD partners pick stupid fights with each other and how can talking to an ADHD therapist help?

The answer is dopamine, specifically the lack of it. 

ADHD brains have chronically inconsistent dopamine, which is the neurotransmitter that controls a whole bunch of important things including motivation, attention, and mood regulation. When our brains are running low on dopamine, we have trouble concentrating, organizing our thoughts, managing our impulses and navigating our own emotions. Many people with ADHD struggle with low dopamine levels and so they go in search of it by any means necessary…

As you might have guessed, starting a fight is ironically an excellent way to spark dopamine production. It’s exciting, unpredictable, and highly emotionally engaging. It also is incredibly confusing for both people involved as the person starting the fight doesn’t know why they suddenly feel better moments after arguing and are able to then go on with their day while their partner has no idea what hit them and is left bewildered by the whole situation. 

An ADHD therapist can help partners untangle this confusing situation, as often these types of arguments aren’t about the actual content but are about one or both of the partners trying to regulate their dopamine levels through picking nonsensical fights. An ADHD therapist can help you gain insight into better ways to spark dopamine, how to deal with your partner when you can tell they are starting a fight because their dopamine is low, and how to work together to create healthier communication patterns. If you feel that talking to an ADHD therapist would help you to understand more about yourself or your partner, get in touch with our team for a free consultation.