Is it bad to break up in couples therapy?

So many clients (and some clinicians) feel like somehow couples therapy has “failed” if people decide to de-escalate or end the relationship. Contrary to popular belief, couples therapy is about the health of both people in the couple as well as the health of the relationship itself. A good couples therapist is not as attached to the outcome of the couple staying together or not and instead is focused on the overall well being of everyone in the room. 

Here’s a few reasons why breaking up in couples therapy can sometimes be a positive thing.

1. Splitting up might be the healthiest choice even though it’s hard - therapy is a safe place to explore what the healthiest options might be for you, which could include changing the relationship dynamic. Sometimes, we all get invested in how we think something should be instead of how it is and put a lot of pressure on ourselves to conform to a certain relationship narrative. Couples therapy provides a place where we can see our relationships from another angle, which sometimes reveals that breaking up may ultimately be the best for you both.

2. Having a neutral third person who cares about you and your partner can help you navigate your break up with care and compassion - It can be incredibly difficult to navigate a break up alone and having a couples therapist to guide you can help you to remember that ultimately you want the best for you and your former partner. Having a couples therapist present for challenging conversations about the emotional and logistical fallout that occurs after a break up can help you both process your feelings and the circumstances with respect for each other while honoring the grief that comes with separating or changing your dynamic.

3. A good couples therapist will help you remember it’s about both of your mental health and wellness, not about the shape the relationship takes - Ultimately, couples therapy is designed to benefit both of your mental health even if that means the nature of your relationship may change.  A solid therapist is there to facilitate growth and prioritize your well being instead of becoming attached to a relationship dynamic. Of course it can be incredibly sad when a relationship ends but having a couples therapist present can help you each reframe it as part of your own positive growth and healing as well.

Ultimately, couples therapy can help improve your relationships and overall well being, no matter what form your relationships take. If you feel that couples therapy could be helpful for you, please reach out for a free consultation.