Consent and BDSM
Consent is incredibly important in all of our relationships, but it is especially vital to understand how it can make or break our sexual partnerships. For people who are practicing BDSM or engaging in other kink play, consent takes on even greater significance as often, one person is giving control or power to their play partner as part of their sexual or relational dynamic. These relationships have the potential to be extraordinarily transformative and healing but conversely can be destructive and traumatic. This difference often hinges on the ability of both partners to be on the same page about what they both want and give clear enthusiastic consent. However, sometimes there are external circumstances that can affect our ability to give or receive consent even when we may be well-intentioned. Talking to a kink affirming therapist can help you better understand how to navigate your relationships but in the meantime, here are a few factors that might compromise consent in this context.
Pre-existing power dynamics - perhaps one of you is very successful or well known in your community while the other is new to their field or the social circles you’re in. It could be that one of you is financially secure while the other is struggling. Maybe you grew up in different socio-economic situations or have different racial or religious backgrounds. None of these differences are inherently bad or good but if they are left unacknowledged, they can compromise both of your ability to give and receive clear consent during a potential power exchange scene or dynamic as one person may already have more structural power than the other. Talking about these factors can help you get on the same page to understand the other person’s experience as well as evaluate your own potential blind spots in order to better collaborate on consent together.
Age/experience difference - while age gaps in relationships are not inherently a problem, they can create an experience gap between partners where often the younger person feels like they have to be just as “mature” as their partner and perhaps go outside of their boundaries to prove it. Age and experience differences become more of an issue when they become a relational pattern, such as choosing partners that are consistently younger over time. If you find yourself repeatedly dating people who have an age or experience gap in either direction, it’s worthwhile to explore how this might affect consent, as this dynamic can sometimes make people feel pressured to do something they might not otherwise do in order to “impress” someone else.
Unclear expectations - do you want to have a long term partnership based on power exchange? Would you rather experiment for a scene and see how it goes? Is there a certain time or setting like a play party where you enjoy this dynamic but would prefer to not engage in power play otherwise? Being able to be upfront with your partner (and yourself) about what you want can help you to foster healthy consent as mismatched expectations can lead people to sometimes engage in activities they might not otherwise or regret their decisions afterwards. Unclear expectations can lead to inadvertent harm if the activities mean different things to each person involved.
If you want to learn more about how enthusiastic consent can improve your relationships or explore the ways BDSM shows up in your partnerships, reach out to one of our kink affirming therapists to schedule a free consultation today.