Am I still Polyamorous or am I faking it?
“Am I still polyamorous or am I just faking it if I am only dating one person? What about if I am single?”
This question comes up so much in my work with clients in the polyamory or ENM (ethical non-monogamy) community, especially over the past few years as our usual social patterns have been disrupted. The most common scenario is that people either were isolated solo or with a nesting partner and lost the sense of connection they had to other partners or the possibility of finding new ones. So many of my clients have questioned their relational styles and orientations recently so you are definitely not alone in this quandary. While it’s uncomfortable questioning our ideas about who we are, moments like these create opportunities for growth and new possibilities that we may not have seen before. Here are a few major takeaways from chatting with my clients that might help you too.
There is no qualifying exam to be poly or ENM, no exclusive card or secret handshake (though honestly if someone made one I would be very entertained). No one can revoke your ENM status based on the number of people you are dating at any given time, the type of partnerships you are having or the relationship style you are practicing. If you are interested in ethical relational practices outside of the heteronormative monogamous scripting that society has provided, congratulations, you made it.
The only way to fake being poly or ENM is to be unethical as it’s part of the description so unless you’re running around lying about your relationships, you are doing just fine. If you are going around lying, that’s a whole other area of growth to unpack which we can help with for sure.
What you need from poly and ENM is allowed to change over time. Sometimes you actively desire and have space for many kinds of connections and sometimes you don’t and that’s totally ok. It’s natural for our desires and needs to change over time in all areas of our life and so it’s no surprise that we might experience shifts in this arena too. Be curious and inquisitive about what you need from your relationships currently instead of comparing yourself to your past self or past expectations of what you should want.
What part does poly or ENM play in your sense of identity? A lot of the people who are asking this question may have been part of communities based on their relational style and now our communities feel wobbly which means our identities feel shaky as well. By examining how your relational model fits into our self-conception, we can start to explore what it means if that part of our life has changed. People have been experiencing a lot of loss around their sense of identity in general over the last few years so it’s not unusual to wonder if a piece of yourself is missing.
What might be stopping you from practicing poly ENM that’s outside of your control? You may have noticed the unusually high number of historical events happening over the past several years and spoiler alert, this has caused a lot of havoc in our interpersonal lives. People who used to have the energy for all the relationships have been absolutely nerfed just by taking care of themselves and perhaps one connection. Aside from the obvious cataclysms, there are also regular life changes that can affect how you practice poly or ENM, like if you’ve moved to a new city or if you or your partners have had children. Try to remain curious about these factors instead of judging yourself harshly or wondering if you are doing something wrong.
Ultimately YOU are the one who gets to define yourself however you like but it can help to unpack all of these ideas with a poly affirming therapist. Having a poly affirming therapist can help you be more at ease with how you put your relational style into action and how you choose to show up for yourself across the board. Schedule a free consultation with one of our wonderful ENM affirming therapists today if you would like to learn more about how you want to explore different relational styles in your life.