Even though the holiday season is typically thought of as a time of gathering, connection, and joy, for a lot of displaced and marginalized people, this time of year can be a time of grief and isolation. Connecting with our family of origin can be complicated, awkward, or painful for many LGBTQIA+ individuals who are estranged from their family. Also, connecting with family is not always a safe option or easy option. Grief may be compounded by stigma, discrimination, and experiences of being othered in a heteronormative world or family system.

LGBTQIA+ individuals may grieve the familial connection that may come from experiencing harm, distrust, or lack of acceptance from their family of origin. If you or an LGBTQIA+ loved one are struggling with grief this holiday season, here are some ways to navigate grieving family of origin connections during this time.

Give yourself permission to feel grief as it presents with other feelings such as sadness, anger, confusion, relief, longing, guilt, etc.
Express your feelings through talking with friends, movement, creativity, or rest
Practice your spiritual, personal, and/or religious practices of grief
Set aside intentional solo time to care for inner younger parts who may be experiencing the loss of safe caregivers particularly intensely
Develop your own holiday rituals and tradition to move through the changing seasons
Take care of your baseline needs–grief can be exhausting, so nurturing and nourishing yourself can go a long way even if it doesn’t take your grief away

If you are planning on spending time with family of origin and are navigating complicated feelings around masking, rejection, and potentially encountering hurtful interactions, here are ways to care for yourself before, during, and after your gathering.

Taking sensory/stimulation breaks prior to and after the gathering
Deciding beforehand an exit strategy or limit for how much time to spend with family
Identifying potential allies in family spaces and check in beforehand about what support or allyship looks like at family gatherings.
Preparing what to say or do if someone crosses your boundaries
Disengaging from conversations and interactions that exceed your capacities
Taking breaks during family time for deep breathing, to go for a walk, or spend time with specific safer family members if spending time in a bigger group is overwhelming
Planning aftercare that reminds you of your autonomy and sense of self/safety
Taking time to mindfully transition from familial time to solo or chosen community time
Scheduling time to process with chosen family/friends/therapist the experience and feelings of spending time with family

Wholesome Recommended Readings:

Your Holiday Mom Loving Letters at the Holidays for LGBTQ+ Youth

If you would like to talk to an LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist to process the grief and isolation you may be experiencing over the holidays, please get in touch by clicking on one of our therapists names below to schedule a free consultation.

Grief and Holidays for LGBTQIA+ Community Members