Navigating Nonmonogamy During The Holidays
The holiday season is upon us and for those of us who practice polyamory and other forms of CNM (consensual non monogamy), this time can be a sensitive one to move through as we see our families and loved ones. There aren’t many models or scripts with how to move as a polycule or non monogamous individual in any configuration while sharing a space nested in family and community, particularly during the holidays.
For CNM folks, it’s important to consider the needs, preferences, and boundaries of everyone involved. For some members of the group, they may not be out as CNM in their family or community systems and may prefer to not bring partners and metamours into those spaces. For others, they may have more capacity and experience being out and strongly prefer the complete or part of CNM system to attend functions if possible.
In what ways can CNM folks sensitively navigate the holiday season while bolstering security?
Planning:
The saying that a lot of consensual non monogamy looks like shared Google Calendars and logistical planning has something to it. During the holiday season, folks may experience a higher demand for social gatherings. It can be helpful for folks to parse out their different preferences and priorities for types of celebrations (friends vs. colleagues vs. family vs. partners). Being transparent about what is important to whom can help with clarifying what’s at stake when it comes to participating in holiday festivities individually, dyadically, or as a whole group.
For one it may be more meaningful to introduce partners into their professional sphere and for another there may be a greater significance sharing space with specific parts of the social ecosystem or perhaps private dyadic time is held most precious during this season. Knowing different members’ emotional stakes can help with creating plans and identifying emotional flexibility in the system.
Planning can also look like anticipating challenging moments and front loading security making connections between partners. If folks anticipate stress or activation of specific insecurities, it could be security making to plan familiar, steadfast, and grounding ways of connecting between partners prior to and after the event.
Being realistic about any apprehension or curiosity folks may have around your relational configuration can also be a helpful way to prepare. Briefing partners about expectations as well as opening up opportunities to ask for extra support beforehand can bring some more confidence into those situations.
Lean into the Learning Curve:
Similar to any other family or communal gathering, knowing what your boundaries are and how to assert them can be helpful through awkward and challenging moments. At times, boundaries present themselves when a limit is met rather than always being preemptively known. Sharing ideas between members of the polycule around how they have practiced setting boundaries around invasive, awkward, or uncomfortable CNM + family/community moments could offer others a better sense of their options.
What strengths in some could possibly support a challenge to another? In what ways could partners be tagged in for support for boundary setting or pivoting from these awkward moments that can throw us off our balance?
For folks who may be navigating this holiday season as a newly less seasoned CNM person, it’s important to remind yourself that you’re not going to be an expert social CNM diplomat right away. Reducing the pressure of getting it right and planning extra grace can help reduce the magnitude of anxiety going into these social situations.
After:
What stories do we carry with us from our social interactions? After events, reflecting together with partner/s and community on distinct perspectives and experiences can be helpful to integrate these new moments of navigating your social ecosystem. Reflective conversations can help a relationship get back onto the same page, build esteem, and have folks practice hearing one another’s experience. Some people may be prone to being more critical of themselves and ruminate on each social interaction with their insecurities narrating the play by play. Having a partner or loved one reinforce a sense of esteem can make a difference in coming back to self after navigating the nested world of attachments.
It can be a challenging time finding the right rhythm through the winter time with the demands of gatherings and the end of another year close by. Even if routine as a CNM individual or configuration is challenged or nonexistent at this time, turning to familiar comforts can be nourishing and grounding. In the season of darkness perhaps permit and forgive a few stumbles and trust that there will be more seasons to right yourselves and find your rhythm.
If you feel that talking to a CNM affirming therapist would help you navigate the holiday season and beyond, please reach out to us to set up a free consultation.