Couples Privilege and Polyamory

What is couples privilege and what does it have to do with polyamory?

To start, I am going to be extra nerdy and define our terms. Couples privilege is a term for the benefits and advantages that couples are often given in our society over single people or non-nested partners. Polyamory in the context of this blog refers to the practice of consensual non monogamy in its many multi-faceted forms. So what do these things have to do with each other and why is it great to talk to a non monogamy affirming therapist about them?

It’s no surprise that our culture values monogamy, but going a step deeper, we can explore how society rewards couples over single people or those in other relational configurations. We give couples tax breaks, throw them giant parties for life milestones, grant them plus one’s at events and family functions, include them for healthcare benefits and more. We have so many stories about finding your “one true love” and prioritizing them above all others. What happens when these ideas and social norms collide with polyamory?

Unlike most practitioners, I don’t believe that couples privilege is inherently a bad thing. Instead I ask people to explore where couples privilege shows up for them so they can be intentional about how it affects them and potentially their other partners. There will inevitably be differences in your relationships with different people based on circumstances (such as if you’ve chosen to intertwine your finances or domestic situation) or preferences (such as a partner who prefers to check in before you go on dates with others). There are so many ways to successfully practice polyamory when it comes to couples privilege as long as everyone is aware of what’s happening and able to communicate their enthusiastic consent. Left unexplored, couples privilege can have the power to undermine relationships outside the couple and create resentment within it while being open and curious about couples privilege can create stronger fulfilling relationships overall.

Want to learn more about how couples privilege might be showing up in your relationships? Talking with a therapist either solo or with your partners can help you safely unpack how couples privilege may be affecting you and your relationships. Reach out to our team of non monogamy affirming therapists today.