What are boundaries exactly?

Another week, another weird celebrity scandal to inspire a blog about mental health. On today’s episode of “you keep using that word…I do not think it means what you think it means” we have screen shots of Jonah Hill framing a list of requests to his ex-girlfriend as “boundaries.” He gives himself away not only by the content of his requests (which is a whole other blog post in itself) but by berating his ex for not following along with his “boundaries.” This kind of behavior directly reveals that they were in fact demands, as boundaries are about your preferences and behavior, NOT the other persons. This blog is all about what boundaries actually are, how to express them, and how working with a therapist can help you do this or heal from when someone decides to weaponize therapy to harm you.

Let’s start with defining boundaries. A boundary is a conceptual separation between two people that helps foster healthy differentiation and closeness within a relationship. A boundary dictates YOUR behavior and preferences, not the behavior of the other person. It states how YOU will take action depending on the other person’s behavior and the circumstances, not that other way around.  Boundaries are not about controlling what other people do but about controlling how you choose to respond.

Next, let's talk about expressing and following through on a boundary.  A boundary might look like saying  “I am not going to respond to work emails from Friday evening until Monday morning.” There’s a few ways to enforce this boundary. You can let your colleagues know and set an away message on your email during those times and set your notifications to snooze until you are back in action. The key is that you are stating your preference and taking action to support it.

What if one of your colleagues emails you on Saturday morning? Should you say this coworker is violating your boundaries as you angrily reply to their message immediately?  No. Should you reply to their email during work hours and perhaps remind them that you aren’t around on weekends if they keep it up? Yes.

Boundaries are about what keeps YOU feeling safe and taking accountability for that, not the other way around.

Working with a therapist can help you to get clear on what your boundaries are and how to enforce them in your life without accidentally taking on other people’s stuff or becoming so rigid you’re disconnected and controlling. Therapy can also help if someone has weaponized this language against you and made you feel as though you were responsible for their actions, such as in the series of texts. Many people have been taught to please others for their own survival or to fit in socially and this can make it very difficult to even conceptualize being worthy of having healthy boundaries. Conversely, others may have been socialized to believe that their preferences should dictate other people’s behavior, which is a misuse of what boundaries are supposed to be as it violates the autonomy of the other person. If you feel that working with a therapist can help you understand how boundaries can benefit you and your relationships, please get in touch for a free consult.